Regretted Words
by lia-finn
Summary: Words flung in anger are the hardest to overcome. Protecting a secret that need not be kept, hiding love that would not be denied. SheppardWeir
1. The End

Title: Regretted Words

Author: Lia

Classification: Romance, maybe a bit of angst

Rating: T

Pairing: John/Elizabeth

Spoilers: No.

Summary: Words flung in anger are the hardest to overcome. Protecting a secret that need not be kept, hiding love that would not be denied. SheppardWeir

Disclaimers: Stargate Atlantis and all its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. No copyright infringement is intended.

Author´s Note: Thank you Pat for beta. This is my first Atlantis fic. I was writing my SG-1 fic when I got this idea and it didn´t leave me alone until I had finished this story. Feedback appreciated. Enjoy!

Chapter One: The End

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The sun was only creeping up on to the clear blue sky, the first rays spreading over the city, sneaking in through the windows of Atlantis. Warm summer breeze was swaying the curtains, the soft crash of the waves barely heard from below.

She lie on her stomach, dark hair spread against the white pillow, the sheet covering her lower body, revealing the tanned skin of her back for his eyes. He was on his side, his fingers drawing lazy circles against her back. He was awake, been for a while. And she was still only waking, slowly leaving her dreamland.

A soft sigh escaped her when she felt his lips against her neck, slowly kissing his way down on her back. His hand slipped under the sheet, caressing the silky skin of her thigh.

"Morning." He murmured, lips leaving a trail where he had kissed her.

She slowly rolled to her back to look at him and he nuzzled against her throat, his hand continuing its exploring, making her sigh with pleasure. She was awake now, her back arching a little, her head falling on the right to give him a better access to do whatever he was planning to do.

"Oh." A simple word came out as a soft moan and his lips curved into a smug grin.

He moved to kiss her breasts, slowly, teasingly, before moving down on her flat belly. Her eyes had fallen closed, her breathing coming faster as he continued pleasing her the way only he knew.

His words were soft when he spoke, telling her what he loved about her between every kiss he planted on her skin. He was teasing her, driving her over the edge without the need to hurry and she felt like burning. He kept talking, loving her body with his lips while letting her know how much he loved the curves of her hips.

"John." She managed to breathe out and he turned his eyes up to look at her, smiling, very pleased to himself.

"Yes?" He was still teasing her.

"Stop talking and get up here now, colonel."

"Yes, ma´am." He grinned and gladly met her waiting lips with a passionate kiss.

And when he finally entered her, she knew that nothing in the world mattered, nothing but the other. The look in his dark eyes told her what she already knew, even the words had never been said out loud. He was in love with her, like she was in love with him.

Afterwards they lay on her bed, the soft breeze coming from the open window feeling cool against their sweaty bodies. The sheets were tangled around them, her head resting against his chest, listening for the comforting sound of his still racing heart. His hand ran up and down on her back, and his lips touched the top of her head every now and then.

She lifted her head from his chest and pulled slightly back from his embrace to look at him. His eyes were closed, a small smile on his lips. Her movements made him open his eyes and look at her curiously.

"Where are you going?" His voice was soft, a little sleepy.

"I´m not going anywhere." She replied as softly. "But maybe you should leave. It´s getting late." She continued.

The hurt look in his eyes lasted only a split second but she saw it and a sad sigh left her lips. "John."

"It's fine." He replied, pulling his hand away from her back and rubbing his face before running it through his messy hair.

She bit her lower lip when she heard the hurt in his voice. She never wanted to hurt him. From the beginning they had agreed to keep their feelings to themselves.

But he was getting frustrated. Hating to sneak around, leave her bed early in the morning or in the middle of the night so their relationship would stay hidden. First it had been fine, even exciting to sneak around, careful to not have been caught. But after two months he was frustrated.

"The galaxy won´t fall apart if someone finds out." He said, his voice a little more bitter, a little more harsh than he intended.

She had no reply to that. A sheet now pulled to cover her she sat on the bed where she had only minutes ago made passionate love with a man who now pulled his clothes on, clearly angry at her.

"I though we agreed." Her words were quiet, almost unsure, not something he had used to hear from the leader of their expedition.

"We did. But it´s getting old." He replied, his eyes searching for his tee shirt he remembered being thrown somewhere last night when she had undressed him.

She sighed, lowered her eyes to stare his feet. He sighed too and sat next to her on the bed, wearing his pants and boots, shirt still missing. "I´m sorry, Liz." He started. "It´s just that I don´t understand why this has to be such a secret."

She tore her eyes away from his naked upper body and looked into his eyes. Her hand moved to touch the rough cheek and she leaned to him, her lips only inches away from his.

"Sleeping with the military leader..." She started but he interrupted her by pulling away.

"Is that what this is about?" He asked, a flash of anger in his eyes making her flinch. "We´re just sleeping together?"

"John." She tried but he stood up.

"Forget it, Liz." He said, and the tone of his voice made her heart sink.

"John, please understand..."

"God damn it, Elizabeth." He hit his hand against the wall behind him in frustration. "What the hell are you so afraid of?"

She flinched again, not in fear, no, she would never be afraid of him. No matter how angry he was, he would never hurt her physically. Breaking her heart in the other hand was something she wasn´t sure about.

Then he brought up her past relationship back on Earth, brought up the name of the man who had left her months ago. The man who she felt nothing for. He lashed out with everything at her, knowing that he was being unfair, knowing that she had never given him anything to even think she was still feeling something for Simon. He knew that his words were said only to hurt her. Thinking that it would be easier to make her hate him.

And her words were as unfair to him. All the women he had told her about, no matter about the situations or the fact that his reputation with the women was overstated. He had changed so much after meeting her. But she was being only as unfair to him as he was to her.

Her eyes were burning with the unshed tears she refused to let fall. She would not cry in front of him. "Get out." She said, her voice thick with emotions.

He glared at her, wanting to say something more. But the look in her cold eyes told him that he had said enough; she was hating him and every word he had said to her. But the words just left his lips, telling her that he wished they would have never met, that he would have never let her seduce him into her bed. That she had been using him only to satisfy her own needs. Harsh, lying words.

"Go to hell." She said.

He turned around and stormed out from her quarters, leaving her in the silence after a long fight. She fought against the tears, blinking rapidly, not allowing them to fall because of him. She wrapped the sheet tighter around her body, trying to find some comfort from it. It was no use.

She left her bed and headed into the shower, wanting to wash the scent of him, the feel of him, from her body. She was angry, at him, at herself.

She knew it was her reasons that had started it. Reasons that even she did not fully understand. But it was so much easier to hate him.

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TBC...

Please review if you have the time, thank you.


	2. The Beginning

Thanks guys, for reading and reviewing. -Lia

Chapter Two: The Beginning

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It had been but a few months ago when he had found the lights still on in her office in the middle of the night. Files and mission reports were spread on the desk, her laptop switched into a screen saver mode.

She was standing out at the balcony, leaning slightly against the railing, enjoying the warm night breeze against her skin. She didn´t hear the door opening or him walking behind her, but she still knew by sense he was there.

"What are you doing here? It´s late." She said without turning around.

"What are _you_ doing here?" He came to stand next to her, leaning his back against the railing, arms crossed against his chest.

She smiled at him softly before turning her eyes back to the ocean. "It´s so peaceful out here, don´t you think?"

"Yeah, sure." He turned to look at the dark view in front of them. "When the wraith aren´t kicking our asses."

She chuckled softly at his sarcastic reply. She felt him moving a little closer to her, his arm brushing against her. And she felt comfortable around him, felt safe when he was close. A soft sigh left her lips and he turned to look at her.

"You´re okay?" He asked, his hand touching her back softly.

She turned to him, a worried look on his face making her heart beat a little faster. "I´m fine." She promised him.

"Elizabeth." His voice was like a silk when he drawled out her name. He lifted his hand to cup her cheek, and she leaned slightly against his touch.

He leaned closer, his lips touching hers. A gentle, soft, testing kiss soon turned to passionate and his hands wrapped around her slender body, bringing her closer against him. Her arms wrapped around his neck, fingers running through his hair.

She moved her body against his, so slowly, almost teasingly and he groaned against her lips. He pulled away to look at her, giving her a chance to end what was started. He would leave if she were to ask. He would never do anything against her will.

Her hands still wrapped around his neck she pulled him back to her, kissing him more passionately than any woman ever had. His hands sneaked under her shirt, and shivers run through her body as his fingers caressed the silky skin.

She broke off the kiss, breathing heavily, heart racing in her chest. His hands were still on her waist under her shirt, their foreheads touching. He let his eyes fell closed.

He couldn´t think. She was all that mattered.

"We should..." And something in her voice told him that she wasn´t sending him away, that she wanted to continue this somewhere more private.

"Yeah." Was all he managed to say.

He let her go in first, turning off the lights in her office before he followed her in. The hallways were deserted, most of the staff already sleeping in their quarters. And as soon as the doors closed behind them, he pulled her back in his arms and kissed her hungrily.

He made love to her over and over again in that night. She whispered out his name, and he had never felt such a passion for anyone before. Everything about her was more than he had ever fantasized, and he had done that a lot.

Later, when it was only some hours before the sunset, she was almost asleep in his arms, her head resting against his chest, feet tangled together under the sheet, a soft knock coming from the door made him groan sleepily.

"What the..?" He sat up, forcing her to move away from his arms. He was moving to stand up, pulling the sheet around his waist when her fingers around his wrist stopped him.

It took only a little time for him to realize that they were in her quarters, and the person behind the door wasn´t looking for him but for her. He sat back on the bed as she pulled the sheet around her body more tightly.

"Who is it?" She called, trying to sound more professional than she felt at that moment.

"Elizabeth, it´s me." Came a reply behind the door and it took a few seconds before John stood up and glared at the door.

"What the hell is McKay doing here?"

"I´ll be right there, Rodney." She called and slipped from the bed to find her robe. For a moment John forgot the other man behind the door as he stared at her naked body. He groaned quietly and walked to her, his hands sneaking inside the robe before she had a chance to tie it.

She melted against him, his hands caressing the bare skin, his face nuzzling against her neck, lips kissing the sensitive spot below her ear. A soft moan escaped her lips.

"Elizabeth?" The soft knock was repeated and she pulled away, making him groan.

"I´m gonna kill him." He muttered as she pushed him out of sight and straightened her robe.

She moved her hand across the blue panel and the door opened quietly. "What is it, Rodney?" She asked, thankful of the dim lights of the hallway that covered her flushed face.

The scientist spoke quickly before stopping to wait for her answer. "Sure." She said softly and he beamed at her. "Thank you, Elizabeth. You will have the report in the morning. And sorry to wake you up."

John waited as the door slid close before stepping away from the shadows, still holding a sheet around his waist. "What the hell was that?"

For a moment she thought of ignoring his question, enjoying the look on his face that was almost jealous when he thought of another man in her quarters late at night. She smiled at him innocently and let her robe fall down on her feet before moving to lie down on the bed.

"Coming?" She asked sweetly and he let the sheet join her robe on the floor before lying next to her.

"Seriously, what did McKay want?" He asked, pulling away from her kiss.

"When he can´t sleep, he comes here and..."

"What?" He lifted his head from her neck where his lips had caressed her.

"Stop being so dramatic." She moved her body against him. "He´s only here because of work. You don´t have to be jealous."

He relaxed and moved his arm around her to pull her even closer against him. "I´m not jealous." He murmured against her neck where he continued his exploring.

"John."

He pulled away again, the look on her face more serious now. "What?"

"We have to be careful." She said quietly, lifting her hand to caress his cheek. "This has to be our secret. No one must know."

And at that moment, he agreed. Not because she way lying naked under him, her lips only inches away. But because he respected her, and never wanted to hurt her.

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TBC...

Reviews would be nice. Thanks for reading.


	3. The Present

Thank you all for your nice reviews. -Lia

Chapter Three: The Present

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She missed him. More than she was willing to admit. Her nights were restless, her sleep filled with dreams about him. Her body and mind desperately craving the rest she could not offer. She slept in the tee shirt he had left behind after storming out from her quarters, finding only a small comfort from it.

Everything had changed. He no longer lingered behind after the briefings, just to spend even a little time alone with her. He didn´t join her out at the balcony late at nights when she stared out to the darkness. And no longer did she enjoy it like she had before. He disagreed with her only when he thought she was being wrong, not because he loved to argue with her before finally giving up.

No longer did she stand and watched them leaving in to the missions. They didn´t hear her ´Be safe´ just before stepping through the gate. She watched them leave from her office, whispering the words out to no one. She wasn´t welcoming them back home, a relieved smile on her lips.

He was miserable without her. Watching her when she didn´t pay attention, torturing him with the memories of her lying in his arms. It didn´t affect to his work. He had too much responsibly to allow himself to be reckless. They both did.

So it didn´t happen because he wasn´t paying attention, or that he was thinking about her. It was an ambush, a mission gone horribly wrong. Too many against the four of them. And it wasn´t because of her he sacrificed himself to give a few extra seconds to the other three of his team to escape, and being left behind himself. He did is because it was the only thing left for him to do.

And she hated him for that.

She had waited for days for him to come home. Her heart aching with fear of losing him every time the gate opened and the teams came through without him.

More days passed. And she was still waiting.

She was afraid of the day she would have to stop sending more teams through to look for him. No matter how many volunteers were in line just waiting for their turn.

She had refused to cry. Her dreams peaceful only because of the pills she took. Carson had ignored her objections. Pulled out the CMO card.

Then, without any warning, they stumbled through the gate, Major Lorne and Ronon supporting him between them as his wounded leg was ready to give out. And the words leaving her lips weren´t the declaration of her love to him.

"Take him in the infirmary." It was all she could think. And yet her order was needless as the medical team was already helping him.

She was pacing. And she stopped. Started again. Sighed with frustration. Looked carefully at the few other people who were waiting with her to see if they were feeling the same. They didn´t. They were worried over a friend they had thought was lost. She was in love with a man she had lost once already.

Carson explained them what he could. He had been hurt, beaten. But he was going to be fine. And she sighed with relief.

"You can go to see him now. But only a little while." The doctor´s words were meant to all of them, but he was looking at her.

She was about to shook her head. She didn´t want to see him. But she was expected to do so. And the hot tears burned in the back of her eyes when she watched him lying on the bed. But she didn´t cry.

It felt like only seconds she had to be with him alone behind the curtain. The others came to see him as well. And she stood where she had been standing the whole time, at the end of the bed. Not touching, only looking.

A few days passed and he was getting frustrated at the infirmary. He was being released soon after. "Take it easy, colonel. You are in no condition to return back to work just yet."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever." He was just relieved to get out of there.

He wasn´t going back in to his quarters. Despite that he had promised Carson and the others he would.

She was standing at the balcony, staring out to the ocean. Like he had expected her to be.

"Liz." It was the way he drawled out her name that made her heart beat a little faster. Always had.

She turned to look at him, and suddenly she was in his arms, her hands wrapped tightly around his neck. He held her tight, inhaling deep the sweet scent of her he had missed even before his capture. She pulled back only to crush her lips against his and the kiss was passionate and sweet and loving.

He groaned quietly against her mouth, his hands running along her back, touching, caressing. God he had missed her for so long.

They pulled apart for an air, and he looked at her softly. "Liz, I..." He was interrupted by her hand hitting against his cheek.

"You son of bitch." She raised her hand to hit him again but he stopped her.

"Stop it." He asked but she only tried to free her hand from his grasp. "Damn it, Elizabeth. Just stop it."

She let him held her tightly against him, hand letting go of hers, arms wrapping around her. "You left me." He heard her whisper. "And I thought you were dead."

"I´m sorry." He whispered. He was sorry for everything.

"Me too."

He brought his hands to cup her face and placed his lips gently against hers. So much was still needed to be said. But she wasn´t afraid of anymore.

People probably knew already, had realized it when he had been gone. And if they didn´t, they were most likely being told by those who watched them standing at the balcony, kissing.

And all was going to be just fine.

The End

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Hope you liked this little fic of mine. My first John/Liz ever.

Now look down and see the lonely button... Thank you.


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